dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
