I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
