I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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