I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
