i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
