fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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