The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just want to make out with him forever
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
