Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
