omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i will never coherently bang her
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
