She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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