I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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