Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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