Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
