my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
