Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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