the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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