Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
