Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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