I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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