god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
NoShamevember. You game?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
