guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This house was built for laser tag.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
