Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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