god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
