My liver just broke up with me...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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