i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
