sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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