my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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