i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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