I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
