We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
