the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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