Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
