We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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