When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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