Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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