I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
