Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
