3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
