Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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