So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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