Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
