i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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