Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
