Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
