Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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