Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
