Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
