dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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