If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
