It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
