my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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