Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
