Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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