So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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