Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
