remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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