I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
