Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If its not for food we ain't going out.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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