You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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