new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
