Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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