Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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