We're like a lot better than the average bears
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We're not piercing ourselves today.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
