Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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