She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
