he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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